The world is full of hilarious, insightful, sometimes confused people who say things we want to remember. Occasionally they say things that hurt us, but if you’re anything like me, you’re probably able to find the humor in the moment, brush it off, and turn it into a good story.
Celebrities and geniuses aren’t the only people worth quoting. Normal people are pretty wonderful. Here are some conversations between normal, wonderful, hilarious people.
Got some well-timed dating advice from a 7-yr-old girl tonight:
Julia: “Miss Marty, do you know what I do when I don’t like a boy who likes me?”
Me: “No. What?”
Julia: “I tell him I want 15 kids.”
Me: “Yep. That’ll do it.”
I’ve never had to use that one. Mostly because if there’s anyone who knows me within earshot of that conversation, they would immediately call my bluff. Then I would be forced to be honest.
Back to the drawing board. Kidding.
Had a conversation with Piper (a small child) last night. …About marriage. Because that’s what little girls ask older girls about.
Piper: “Miss Marty, are you getting married tomorrow?”
Me: *threw my head back, laughing straight from my gut* “No. Why do you ask?” *still chuckling at the cuteness of the moment*
Piper: “Because I want you to.”
*after tricking her into confirming my suspicions that I will marry Mr. Zachary, she just looked at me, with a little sparkle in her eye…*
Piper: “Miss Marty, you’re hilarious.”
Thanks, kid. Thanks.
Conversation with my supportive mother…
Mom – “I’ve been invited to a Christmas Tea at a friend’s house”
Me – *uncertain as to why she’s apprising me of her engagements* “Oh. Well. Congratulations. I….hope you enjoy it…”
Mom – “No. It’s addressed to you, too”
Me – “Well, that’s sweet. I would love to go.”
Mom – “It says wear your finest…”
Me – “………”
Mom – “So…do you have a fine t-shirt?”
Me – *startlingly loud belly laugh…still laughing…* “Mother, I own *not* t-shirts, you know.”
My frilly mom still hasn’t come to terms with her hippie daughter.
One of many Roomie Convos
Genvielle – (carrying a damp, creased FedEx envelope into the house and huffing about it) “Guys, why is this still in the mailbox? (raising her voice) WHY DIDN’T THEY PICK IT UP?!”
Vania – “You have to go to a FedEx store for that.”
Gen – “Say what?! So it’s been sitting there all week and nobody has picked it up?”
Vania – “That’s not how FedEx works.”
Gen – “Well that’s inconvenient.”
We laughed at her. With her. And then it hit me that I’m moving out. Bittersweet
Excerpts From India
Had a delightful little conversation with a young Indian girl this morning over breakfast:
Girl: “Are you married?”
Me: “Nope. Not married.”
Girl: “But you’re so old!”
Me: “Great. Cool. This has been lovely.”
Excerpts From India #2
Had another enjoyable conversation with the same young Indian girl this morning.
It all started when I let my hair down (my hair is constantly tied back in this heat)…
Girl – “You look pretty with your hair down!”
Me – “Thanks.”
Girl – “But not with your hair up.”
Me – “Again, I can’t tell you how delightful this has been.”
India. You’re killing me.
Excerpts From India #3
Had a conversation with a different Indian girl this evening.
Girl – “You look waaaaay younger than you actually are.”
Me – “You just redeemed India.”
Excerpts From India #4
Apparently I’ve found the right little Indian girl with whom to speak.
After I told her I’m gluten-free:
Girl – “If you don’t eat bread, what do you eat in America?”
Me – “Well, I eat a lot of vegetables…”
Girl – “Is that why you’re so fit?”
Me – “Thank you. Just. Thank you.”
a (male) massage therapist recently told me (while observing my extremely knotted back), “Your back is like one giant knot. You know, should probably just marry a massage therapist…”
that, my friends, is what i call a) unsolicited advice, b) an almost-proposal, c) kind of awkward, and d) not a terrible idea…
Big Words Are The Way To My Heart
My roomie (whom I love) usually looks at me with bewilderment when I use big words. This, however, is the brief exchange we had this morning:
Genvielle – “So, I had a dream last night I was in a convalescence home and – ”
Me – *looks stunned and proud*
Gen – *understanding the look on my face* “That’s right. I know some words.”
We had a moment. She knew she ministered to my soul. It’s the little things, really.
Welcome To The World Of Men
Tonight my housemate, Nigel, burped. Loudly. This is the conversation that followed:
Rachel (Nigel’s wife): “Welcome to marriage.”
Me: “Nope. When I get married, it will be to a man who doesn’t burp…and isn’t hairy.”
Rachel: **gives me a good-luck-with-that look**
Vania: “Marty. YOU’RE talking about hair? You have the hair of a Greek goddess. It’s long. And it’s everywhere”
Rachel: “Except I would imagine Greek goddesses never shed.”
In conclusion, shedding is what stands between me and Greek mythology. And it would behoove me not to rule out hairy men. Ew.
Jessie: “Just to show you I value our friendship I would play…Scrabble with you at staff retreat.”
Me: “Are you sure you want to play scrabble with me?”
Jessie: “No. Nope. I have no idea why I just said that.”
I guess I’m unconventionally intimidating.
High Hopes For Marriage
Yesterday, while out shopping with my roomie, we were getting back into her car, when we wondered why the car in the parking space next to us was running with no one in it. Then walks up the owner of this Very Fancy Car. Then this brief, but perfect conversation happened between me and Vania:
Vania: “Um. Did her car just start on its own? Like, without her in it?”
Me: “Pretty sure”
Vania: “Ugh. I’m marrying rich.”
**lots and lots of laughter**
Ominous Isn’t That Big Of A Word
I just walked in the door and had this exchange with my roomies:
Me – “Guys, the clouds outside are looking really ominous…”
Me – “What?”
Gen – “Words we use – ‘Dude. The sky looks weird'”
Then they both laughed at me because I used more syllables to say what they meant.
Over Thirty And Feeling Old. But Loving it.
I love my roomies. This evening we were discussing how old we feel, referencing songs by bands like Cake and Young MC…and then…
Genvielle – “What’s that song about ‘I’m tired of sunsets, I need a sunrise’? what’s that band called? Snow Mobile?”
Me – “Um. I think you mean Snow Patrol.”
**all three of us erupt in laughter, complete with falling on the floor and what may have amounted to cackling**
Vania – “Congrats, Gen. This convo is going on Facebook”
Gen – “My kids are going to think I’m a total dork.”
Destiny’s Child Was A Thing
Vania: “Were you working at SNL when Christina Aguilera performed there?”
Me: “No, I don’t think so. But I can tell you who DID perform when I was there…*reads through credentials from my NBC days*…Keane, Coldplay, Beck, Jack Johnson, Green Day, U2, Eminem, Destiny’s Child…”
Vania: “Destiny’s Child?”
Me: “Holy Crap. How long ago did I work there?? Destiny’s Child was still a thing?? Gah.”
Then we laughed like old cat ladies grasping at their youth.
Pop Culture Fail
Me: “So, I definitely just saw a friend of mine on ‘New Girl'”
Gen: “‘New Girl’? What’s that?”
Me: “It’s only my favorite show!”
Gen: “Oh really? I thought your mom was. uh…the mom one…moms…’how i met your mother’!”
Me: *hysterical laughter and almost can’t breathe*
Gen: “I knew it would come to me! THIS ISN’T A ‘YOUR MOM’, JOKE I PROMISE!”
Gen: “I’m getting excited about the game.”
Me: “Eh. Me too, I guess. Who am I going for?”
Gen: “Well, I’m going for the 49ers. Oooh – you should go for them because their quarterback is hot. He has tattoos.”
Gen: “Wait. Lemme show you both quarterbacks and you can see which one you think is hotter. then you can decide who you’re going for.”
This is how we do it. Clearly, I’m just going to the super bowl party or the food.